Staring at my lava lamp.

He said he managed to get Skype working, and like always, told me he loved me.

Then I woke up and had to remind myself that they were both dreams. And it sucked more than anything.

I miss him, even though we talked on Monday. He said he had to get a new laptop and couldn’t install Skype on it. Does this mean he doesn’t have Skype now? Does that mean we’re going to talk even less?

The longest we ever went without talking to one another was five days, and it felt like a lot more. I’m afraid that he’ll stop coming on, that we’ll stop talking altogether, and I want to tell myself he’s different so much, but it’s happened so many times before with other people that by now it’s a valid fear.

I’m angry with everyone who gave me these abandonment issues. Thanks a lot.

Today sucked. I stayed home from school the second day in a row. My throat hurts, and I’m all sniffly and stuffy. I really didn’t want to, but because I didn’t go to school I missed another day of personal speeches. I really wanted to see them.

Shit, now I’m getting teary eyed. I’m scared of being left behind again, I want to get better, I want to be done with this treatment, and I want to feel better. But most of all, I want him by my side forever.

I need to stop. I’m going to cry.

But damn, I love him more than anything.

My throat really hurts. Either it’s the radiation, or I’m catching something. Then again, my nose is runny. I probably have a cold at the least.

I’m fucking sick of people acting like they know how cancer patients feel or what we go through when they have never had to experience it themselves.  You know what?  Yes, a cure would be nice, but don’t be a smartass on that person’s status, which was meant to promote cancer awareness.  Yes, surviving does mean that there’s still a chance that someone who had cancer once can likely get it again, but guess what?  After you’ve been through and experienced all the IVs, chemo (which have possibly killed or damaged the nerves in my big toes, because both of them have had a numb/pins and needles feeling for a good month at least), hair loss, vomiting, fatigue, frustration, anger, depression, radiation, and scans that I have, sometimes surviving cuts it.  Surprisingly, after all that shit life seems a lot more worth living, even if there’s still no cure, which by the way, people should be kicking their asses into gear to find.

So don’t assume you know what we want unless you have lived it.  And even then, don’t generalize and think we all want the same thing or think the same way, because every cancer patient is different.  Or perhaps you’re too busy trying to prove yourself smarter than a Facebook status to realize that. 

People and their assumptions.  Wake up and see you’re not as smart as you crack yourself up to be. 

It’s been the best month in, possibly, forever. <3

When you fall asleep with your iPod on from talking to someone you love.

Today had to be one of the longest e days ever. My mom woke me up at five because my appointment for the first day of radiation was at six thirty, and we’re about an hour away. We get there only to find out my appointment was at two in the afternoon. Apparently, my mom forgot this was the only day it was different.

So we go back home and I sleep got three hours, eat lunch, and go back to Philly. We wait over an hour until one of the nurses came over and took me to change. I had to take everything from the waist up off and put in this gown, which was so big it was more like a cape. The fact that it opened in the back didn’t really help either, since it kept sliding off my shoulders.

I got to the photon radiation room, and the lady who brought me there said they were only taking pictures today. Nothing new, really. I sat on the metal table as they put this tight mask over me so I wouldn’t move. That was kind of annoying, but they had music! Ruhr guy in the room seemed surprised when I said I wanted classic rock, and I got to zone out and sleep to Santana, even when they had to move me to the proton radiation room for more pictures. I was topless some if the time, but I didn’t really mind.

We ended up going home around five thirty and didn’t get home until around seven. I didn’t go to school.

I’m not too nervous about radiation tomorrow; I’m just not looking forward to getting up so early and not knowing what it’ll be like. Hopefully I’ll have enough energy to go to school, but if not I guess I’ll just stay home again.

Which means, getting up at five in the morning, five times a week, for four weeks. But I’ll be all right. Because in the end, I have him, and everyone else. And that’s all that matters.

My heart hurts knowing he’s hurting.

You said you’d stop, so seriously, stop.  Leave them alone.  I’m two seconds from telling you off.  I’ll do it.

And hopefully many more to come. <3

Yes, really.

Grow up and realize that people are responsible for their own actions.  I’m disgusted.

Comes from knowing that he’s okay. Comes from waking up to the message on my iPod that told me he was back and thought to let me know. Comes from how, despite being apart for four days (which felt more like an entire week), we caught up with each other in four, blissful hours. Comes from him saying there’s no one else he can see himself with; no one but me.

Comes from, for once, being so truly, and unconditionally loved, and knowing that this is the kind of joy many people yearn for.

I’m so grateful.