I got my one chance.
And nothing else matters.
July 2011
I'm sick of it.
I liked you when we first met, and I thought it was obvious, so why didn’t you tell me how you felt? I know that I said I didn’t do long distance anymore and it may’ve seemed like I liked someone in my state, but…you didn’t even want to tell me? We had a chance, and now that chance is gone.
I don’t get why you love her. She’s a nice person and all, and I get that you met her before you met me, but she has a boyfriend. They’ve been together for half a year. I”m single, I’m not going anywhere, I like to think I’m a decent person. Did I do something to make you stop liking me?
We used to talk all the time. Every day. We still do, but now there are long pauses half the time you reply. Twenty minutes to a few hours sometimes because you have to do something or just because you went quiet on me for whatever reason. I miss the way things were. We used to talk all the time. We used to roleplay all the time. I felt like we were a lot closer. Now everything is different…it’s been different since you said you can’t return my feelings on Sunday, and I hate it.
And no matter how much I hate it, I still care about you. Why? Because I love you, that’s why. And even if I didn’t in that way, you’re one of my closest friends. Not caring isn’t going to happen.
I just wish you knew. I wish you’d give me some sort of chance to prove we can be good for each other romantically, but you won’t. I can’t do anything about that.
I’m crying. Fuck.
He can't return my feelings.
He told me himself last night, and it took a few seconds of reading before I broke down and cried. I should have called it, but one sided love is painful. Even then when we kept talking I was still in a numb state of shocked disbelief. He said he’d understand if I hated him, but it’d be impossible. I can’t hate him. Even if him being truthful hurt me, I can’t.
I used the term “heavily infatuated” until this point, but I’m not afraid anymore. I go for an MRI tonight to determine if I need radiation or not, which I most likely will. I’ll find out this Friday, on his birthday, of all days. If I do get radiation, I have a risk of getting breast cancer, which my grandma had. I don’t want to live my days hiding things anymore. It’s not worth it.
I love him.
Even if he loves someone else and she ended up being the one to tell me instead of him, I love him. Everyone but a few people who understand keep insisting it’s a crush and that I should move on. I don’t want to. None of the guys here in Jersey are worth it. There’d be no point.
He is more than worth it.
He used to have feelings for me, but I gave him doubts because I said I didn’t do long distance relationships anymore and at the time I had a crush on someone nearby. I really, really, liked him, too (not the nearby dude, the guy I love). I was just scared because a lot of long distance guys (and boyfriends) have just poofed on me. No warning, no goodbye. Just…gone. I was afraid he’d go too, and I needed him to prove me wrong. Obviously, he did.
I’m tired of just being the close friend, or the sister figure. If he had feelings for me once, can’t those feelings return, even if he loves her? She has a boyfriend, after all. I told him if he changed his mind I’d be more than happy to give us a chance. I would give us a chance in a heartbeat. It’s just not my decision to make.
The pain has dulled, but my heart still hurts.
I wish something good would happen to me for once.
